英作文特訓　京大過去問を使って: 京大英作ー2005年京大 [ 前期 ]Needless to suspect,these days, the wom

課題の説明

平成17年　２００５年　京大 [ 前期 ]

課題（文字数: 174文字）

女性が従来学問の世界で十分活躍できなかったのは、男性中心で作られてきた社会に原因があったことは疑う余地はありません。とくにわが国は従来年功序列の社会でありましたので、出産、育児のため女性が休むことは昇進の面で著しく不利でありました。今後は休んだ後の復職を容易にするとともに、復職後業績を上げれば速やかに昇進できる体制を作り上げて行かねばなりません。

答案（単語数: 460文字 80語）

Needless to suspect,these days, the women haven't gotten adequate great success in academic fields because it depends on the society for the men. Especially, because our country have used seniority system, it is prominently disadvantage to take days off for their child to be borned or take care of them. We have to establish a system to easily come back their office after the days off and promote them as soon as they build performance after they come back.
ginger check:red

答案作成にあたって調べたこと,添削後チェックしたいこと

活躍：great success
年功序列：seniority system
著しく：prominently
給食する：take days off
体制：system
業績を上げる：build performance

添削に飽きたのと、年末ということもあり添削がめっちゃ遅いので今回は添削者を日本人指定ではなく、ネイティブ、日本人どちらでも可に設定し、かつ、このエッセーに対する意見を求めてみることにした。意味が伝わる英文だったらそれなりの返事が返ってくるだろうということを期待している。

添削結果(添削依頼先：フルーツフルイングリッシュ日記添削)

Needless to suspect,(A)recently, the women haven't (B) obtained adequate success in academic fields because it depends on the society for(C) men. Especially, because our country (D)has used seniority system, it is (E)a problem to take time off from work for childbirth and taking care of kids. We have to establish a system to easily come back (F)to their office after the days off and promote them as soon as they build performance after they come back.

今後の課題,添削ダイジェスト

ネイティブからの添削で帰ってきた！！！！

ネイティブはどんな目線でこの英文を見ていくのが添削結果を見ていこうと思う。

(A) Wording: This is just a suggestion. For eg; "Recently, she has taken up yoga".
(B) Wording：This is also a suggestion. Both 'gotten' and 'obtained' will be fine. 'Great' is an extra word that can be taken out.
(C) Wording：We are talking of men in general so 'the' can be taken out. →男性というもの全て、the lions are the king of the jungle. と lions are the king of the jungle.の違いをフルーツフルイングリッシュのかんしれんしゅうちょう(購入経緯とレビューはこの記事参照)で再確認。theがついてると、「例外無くすべての」という意味になり、今回の「男性というものは一般的に」には適さない表現になった模様。
(D) Wording：'Country' is a singular noun so 'has' should be used here. 'Have' is used with plural nouns.
(E) Wording：I'm afraid your writing was a bit too confusing so I've altered the wording here drastically.
(F) Wording：'To' is needed as a connecting word here.

添削者の感想：

Hello!
'Recently' is a useful word in your writing. For eg;"She has recently been studying a lot" or "He has recently quit his job and is unemployed".
Keep up the good performance! I agree with you that steps should be taken to make it easy for women to work and get promoted after childbirth. Let's hope some good policies are put in place!
Kind regards,

添削を受けて私の感想：